Thursday night

Oh lord, I hate whiggers. These pseudo gangster kids who have no idea what kind of culture they're mimicking. They are white, mostly priviledged kids from affluent neighbourhoods. Why do they feel the need to wear their pants down below their ass with the bandanna hanging out the back pocket? They look dumb and stupid. And right now, they're roaming the mall and pissing me off.

I start a new job in September! Well, not new, just a different location than the one I've been manning for 6 years. I'll have to work by myself with no annoying mall people, but that is just fine. September will also mark the beginning of the end of my schooling. I will be graduating in May, and also living with DS. When I get that diploma I am getting drunk for three days straight in celebration. I can't wait to be done.

Also, I think a litre of chocolate milk was too much to drink at once.

Friday, waiting for the whistle

My new philosophy seems to be "out with the old, in with the new." Or, at least that seems to be the message I'm getting from the universe. I'm trying to keep things and people in my life that add to my life, who enrich it in some way rather than drain me. It can be difficult to let things go when you have become attached.

The message I keep getting is to let DS go. I know he is not the love of my life, but I thought we could have a few good years together. We are looking for an apartment for the fall but everything seems to be directed against that plan. I am supposed to stop being convenient, and DS right now is definitely convenient. I will save so much on rent that school in the fall won't be a problem. I don't know if I should be making school the priority over braking up with the boyfriend.

Silly universe.

No TV and no beer make Elizabeth... lose weight

After 8 years of not talking to my dad, today I did. We got some things out on the table and I got to hear how he's been feeling for the past 10 years. A lot I didn't know, like the bankruptcy and teaching. I didn't know losing contact with us was so hard on him. At least when he left I had my siblings, he had no one.

While part of me wants to say, "Good, he deserved it!" the other part says, "I don't blame him for leaving and I'm sorry he was alone." Adult relationships are complicated, I know. And God knows I am well aware how hard it is to live with my mother. I wish things could have been different, but they can't be, and I think things are the way they are for a reason.
Why would I be talking to my dad after all this time? I called him. I was not okay. I have been angry a long time and I don't want to be angry anymore. It makes me tired and I don't like to be tired. The crazy answer is, I was unbalanced. My heart was not open because when he left, I unconsciously swore I would never let anyone in so they could not leave and hurt me.

I pulled a card from my Path of the Soul deck and it was card 36, Revealed. It means I am done hiding myself; my whole self, love for others, and I am going to be a whole person. In readings this card has always been the possible outcome of a situation, never the present. This is hopeful.

My next step is clearing out things and people in my life that don't need to be there. I need to stop relying on conveniences, especially the convenient people I have gathered along the way. I have always been pretty good at getting rid of people. Relationships have never been that important to me. I am not cruel, but sometimes you outgrow people, or they you, and your paths diverge. No one can say they are still close with everyone they have ever been friends with.

This summer will be a good one. Different than last year, for sure, but good.

First post of 2009

Things just didn't seem exciting enough to report them lately. And getting rid of my internet didn't help with the posting process.
Winter is coming to an end and this makes me sad. I love winter; it is my favourite season. Although this winter brought something different: a relationship with DS. I decided I was worth more than just sex, and I was getting tired of it. Yes, yes, even though I was the one who made the rule in the first place. I told him we needed to stop fucking, and he was the one who got worried. He didn't want to just stop everything, so we are together now. It really isn't much different than what we were doing before, but now I have a title upon introduction.
One more thing before I end: This guy I dated about 4 years ago brought his new girlfriend to the mall yesterday. He doesn't live near it. I was working and had to meet her. Maybe it's just me, but I think it is really shitty to bring your new girlfriend around to meet your old girlfriend. I have no feeling for him, but how does she feel about that? That must have been a weird conversation on the way home. Unless he lied. Which he could have done.

Some days are better than others

I don't know what I have to say. I'm thinking too much and that's never a good sign. What has got me thinking is DS, of course. When you spend so much time with someone, they are bound to leave an impression.

He's been thinking about where his own life is headed, and his options seem to include going back to his ex-girlfriend. She would take him back and they could pick up where they left off. I think he'd do it. It's only a matter of time.

Which got me thinking about my own situation. I don't want to be alone forever. And while it may be way too soon to be thinking about it, it makes me wonder. Would it work out with the ex? If I went back, would he take me? It's a sure thing with him.

Last night DS and I were talking about it and all I could think about was how much I missed the ex. But do I really miss HIM or am I missing having SOMEONE?

What a waste of time I have going on inside my head. Instead of worrying about actual problems, here I sit wondering if I'll be alone forever. Oh, to have real problems.

Lots of work; like, 12 hour days at the mall. I started running again which is feeling great. I think as long as I maintain some routine I should be able to balance things.

And then my mom called yesterday and made me want to get drunk. Which I did. Quite thoroughly.

Mutually beneficial

Still not talking to GingerKid and he seems really upset about it. In my mind, our friendship was very one-sided and I don't miss hanging out with him at all. I said it before, but it took too much energy to be his friend. I don't regret it, I don't feel bad, it's just the way it is.

Still fucking DS. Twice in a week is probably more than some couples get. I really like this arrangement. If I were a different person it wouldn't work. He asked me the other day what it felt like to be a mistress. I said it was smugly gratifying; I'm here, she's not kind of thing. I know some girls could be in that situation and delude themselves into thinking it's because they're better than the girlfriend/wife/what-have-you. That's not it. He's getting something from you he can't get somewhere else. And hopefully (hopefully!) you're getting something from him.

Guys do the same thing. You can sleep with them once and have them latch on to the idea they mean more to you than intended. Hate that.

Six more courses to go and then I can offically say I am a university grad. I am excited and relieved. Can't wait to be done...for a lifetime of retail. It never ends.

What I learned today

Another day, another dollar.

A boy with Asperger Syndrome came into the bookstore today. I believe I have heard of this form of autism in passing, but never met anyone who had it. This boy was nice, if awkward. What struck me was that he was 14, but was totally aware of what he had and how it affected other people. He sympathized with his teachers because he asked so many questions.

The most interesting thing he was telling me was that he had some sensory switch where what he heard had a taste, and dates have colours.

The brain is so weird. Why are we wired differently? I look at people with Down's or autism or any other neural abnormality and if things had been different, I or someone in the family could be one of them. What happens in there to make the difference so significant? Sad and fascinating.

Also, some punk kid stole a book today. Who steals books? You can go to the library for free, for Christ's sake. I don't understand.